Boy, 2, accidentally shoots and kills mom in Idaho Walmart

The Associated Press

Posted: Dec 30, 2014 3:29 PM ET

What a thrill it is to live in a world in which a fatal shooting by a 2-year-old is described by the media as accidental. Could this act have been intentional? A revenge for infrequent diaper changes and cheap baby formula? A cold-blooded publicity stunt to secure a seven-figure book deal for the future memoir "The tot who fucked Jean Piaget and the entire field of Developmental Psychology"?

While the world contemplates the plausibility of such alternatives, I'm sure the retards at AP, BBC, Reuters, and other news outlets are struggling right this very moment to come up with headlines for the first day of the new year. I feel like being helpful on this New Year's Eve, so how about this one:

Cheerleader at Bennington College accidentally fellates six members of the basketball team.