True love ...

 

Not long ago my feet became swollen, one much more so than the other.  When I asked my wife why this is so, she took a quick look at the more swollen foot and said: This must be that one foot with which you stand in the grave.*

Oh, my true love...  You are much younger than me, but compared to you I'm just a fucking wimp!

Boom's 401k asset allocation chart

Modern dentistry at its best...

Recently I complained to my dentist that my teeth have become sensitive to cold.
He said I should consider moving to Florida...

Famous first words...

A few days ago I had my first (and hopefully the only) major surgery.  The reason was not life threatening, but the operation still required very deep general anesthesia.  After the surgery, when I regained a tentative and hazy post-anesthesia grasp on reality in the Intensive Care Unit, the first thing I saw was the love of my life being led toward me by an ICU nurse.  When she reached my bed, and before I could even stretch my parched lips into a weepy smile, the love of my life turned to the nurse and asked:  So, where is the plug?

One reason for attending piano recitals

Long time ago I went to a few piano recitals for an embarrassingly non-musical reason.  One of my musician friends had the idea that if the pianist is a young and handsome guy, the concert hall will be packed with “hot babes” ready to be picked up during the intermission.  I thought the idea was worth a try, so we went to hear the perpetually sulking (and still young) Ivo Pogorelich at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Downtown Los Angeles.

      If any hot babes had plans to attend that concert, they all must have gotten stuck in traffic somewhere on LA freeways.  We did, however, get  into a conversation with two girls who were pretty but not too bright (and neither were we, for that matter).  Not suprisingly the conversation quickly devolved to the stereotypical Californian subjects of meditation, spirituality, and (finally) reincarnation.  At which point I blurted out that I wanted to come back as Ofra Harnoy’s cello.  I don’t know how far the girls had digested the nature of my spiritual longing, but they just kept staring at me in stony silence as if I were Chester the Molester himself.  And that was the end of my dating prospects for that evening.